Attitudes in the Wilderness

   I think I would fit in with the Ancient Israelites pretty well. They start out strong, believing God will help, and then quickly doubt and want to turn back. They switch from worshipping to complaining all too fast. They try to make their own way, even though they have seen God repeatedly provide in miraculous ways. Yup, sounds a lot like me. 

    When we moved to the small town we lived in we were certain it was God’s will. He had shown us what He wanted, He had made a way when there should have been no possible way. Everything pointed to His mighty hand. And then we saw our giants. We faced the first of them with bravery and gusto, truly believing God would prevail, and He did. But as the giants continued to attack we slowly started to complain, and then doubt.

    God had started answering some of our prayers with a “no”. We had endured pain and loss, and weren’t seeing the answers we wanted to our prayers. And yet we didn’t consider what God may have been protecting us from. He kept providing in miraculous ways, but the miraculous began to feel mundane.    

     See what I mean about fitting in with the Israelites? They see God perform miracle after miracle, but quickly the miracle of manna wasn’t good enough; they wanted meat. God knew the meat would make them sick, but He gave it to them anyway. And they died. They died from their cravings. They died because they didn’t trust God to provide. 

And then eventually it comes time to enter the promised land. They taste and see that it is good, but they see giants. They should immediately be like Caleb and remember God’s victories, but it is much easier to see the enemies that lie in every direction. They should remember the plagues that devastated Pharaoh; they should remember the sea that He parted and the water that came from a rock. But they only see their giants. 

    

    I wonder if they had lived on His provision for so long that they were tired of surviving by it. I wonder if merely surviving wasn’t good enough. But it had been going on for so long that when they are shown the goodness they are about to come into, they doubted. Maybe they thought of all their past mistakes, the golden calf, the complaining, the doubt, and they started to feel unworthy. Perhaps they didn’t believe God would still give them this wonderful land, not now that He has seen how ungrateful and distrusting they are. 

    

I know I often find myself in that place. When faced with the possibility of blessing I expect the worst possible outcome. And I prepare myself for it. I get disheartened right away and expect the next disappointment in my life. There may be blessing right around the corner, but I don’t prepare for the blessing. I used to, but after so many disappointments, I prepare for another famine. I prepare for another stay in the wilderness. It isn’t that I don’t think God can answer my prayers, it is that I have started to think he won’t. 

    I guess it’s decided then: I’m no different from those unbelieving, ungrateful Israelites that wandered the wilderness. I may be worse, because I am equipped with so much more than they were. I have the stories of all the great heroes who came after them. I have the Messiah who was yet to come. I have the Holy Spirit within me. And yet I still doubt and grumble. 

In humility I confess this to an unknown audience, and of course to God, because I don’t believe I’m alone. We see it too many times throughout the Bible. Even Peter stepped out of the boat in faith, only to sink moments later. So while I may not start preparing for abundance, I am going to look at my manna a little differently today. Those miraculous gifts of the Spirit of peace, and joy, and especially patience that can only have come from the Lord. Those little bits of manna that come from the Lord, maybe they aren’t so mundane after all. 

Slow Down

  I’m in a hurry. What’s new? It seems like I’ve been in a hurry for as long as I can remember. When I was tiny I was in a hurry to start school; it didn’t take long before I was in a hurry for school to end, only to be in a hurry for the new school year to begin again. Then I was in a hurry to turn thirteen, when I would finally be a teenager. Then in a hurry to be 16 and drive, then 18 and graduate, then to start college, then to get married, then to have babies…it’s an endlesss cycle of always rushing toward whatever is next.

Do you know who is not in a hurry? God. At the precipice of the new year I sat out to read the Bible chronilogically.  I’m sure every chronological plan starts with Genesis 1:1, “In the beginning.” One of the few things I try not to hurry through is my Bible time. I want to sit and marinate in those moments with the Lord, though I admittedly there are days when I tend to  hurry through that as well. 

As I read through the story of creation it struck me differently. God is so powerful! He is so incredibly creative. He is so mighty. He could have easily snapped his fingers and created it all at once, but He didn’t. He was patient. He created one thing at a time, and then paused to reflect and observed its goodness. After creating it all he took another day to rest. He didn’t rest because He needed to, He rested to set an example for us. 

How often do I stop in the moments and observe? Not often enough. I won’t lie and say I never do. There are plenty of times in the moments of life when I just want to freeze the moment. When I recognize just how blessed I am, I will stop and observe. When my kids are all getting along and laughing together, I am filled with gratitude for them. There are times on vacation when my husband has been with us the entire time, and I want those moments of happiness to live on forever, then I stop and observe. I want to remember every aspect of every detail of those times. 

But God’s patience goes far beyond observing the good He has just created. The observation of the good is quickly followed by the observation of the fall. Evil entering the world and God’s immediate promise of a coming Savior. Yet he was still not in a rush. He patiently waited for thousands of years to send His Son. And in those moments of waiting He allowed people to know Him. He allowed history to be unfolded so that generations to come may know more about who He is, and that we can put our trust in Him.

His patience is so incredible. Him could have ended His waiting at any moment, and yet He never rushes. He knows all the good that will happen, yet He is not in a hurry for His kingdom to be complete. He waits. He allows all the things that have happened and those that have yet to happen, until His plan reaches completion. What seems like an eternity to us, is worth the wait for Him. Peter says that the “Lord’s patience means salvation” (Peter 3:15). If the creator of the universe can patiently await the perfection of His kingdom, why am I in such a rush? Maybe it’s time for me to slow down and observe more, I can’t make time go faster anyway.

The Journey I’m On

     I have felt the itch for a while to start writing again. Not much has changed in the past 5 years. I was successful in my health journey, losing over 100 pounds. But I have realized that this health journey is a trip that doesn’t have an end point. Actually, none of life does, and I guess that’s why I’m here. 

    I’m so incredibly blessed that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for so long. My four kids are amazing, and I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. Unfortunately being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom in a small town can allow this introvert to be WAY more introverted than I should be. But, I want to share my life, and Jesus, with others. And the easiest way to do that may be through writing. 

    Before you continue, let me warn you that this blog will be about Jesus. I mean, I have no clue what it will actually be about, but Jesus will be the ongoing theme. He has to be. He has taken a life that was hopeless, and made it a life full of hope. He has changed my life completely, and made it so much better than any life I could have imagined in my adolescence. I will forever be thankful for that. But I don’t share out of a sense of duty to Him. I share because I would be the most selfish person on earth if I didn’t tell others of the peace and joy that only He could bring. 

    My life is not perfect. It is SOOO far from it. I am not perfect. I am SOOOO far from it. But through it all Jesus is there and He is redeeming my every mistake. He is leading me on this journey that has no end. And I would love to share my journey with you if you want to tag along. 

On your mark, get set, GO!

I originally started this blog after having my first child. I was embarking on a weight loss journey and having a blog was an assignment for a class I was in, so it was a perfect fit. I’ve always loved to write, and it was freeing to be able to share parts of my life online. But then life happened, as it often does, the class ended, and I stopped posting. 

I nearly made it to my weight loss goal, then got pregnant with #2. She is an amazing blessing. I always wanted to come back to the blog, but didn’t know how to when I wasn’t losing weight. Then I got pregnant with #3 before losing weight, miscarried #4 and gained weight in depression, and now I’m nursing #5 and have gained more weight. While I am focusing on becoming healthier, I do not want weight loss to consume me, so how could I come back to the blog?

My 20s are now coming to an end and I have discovered I lost myself in the process of building a family. I love my family and being a stay-at-home mom is the best job in the world for me. But I discovered I don’t have a hobby, or really know who I am or what my 30s will be about. 

While trying to deal with my mini-identity crisis, I realized the root of my issues is that I’m too afraid to love myself as I am. I always have an excuse, and it always has to do with my weight. I’m unlovable to myself unless I’m a certain weight or size. The interesting part about this is, the smaller I got the smaller that “lovable” mark got and it can never be obtained. So I’m done. I’m tired of not loving myself. I’m starting now. 

My goal for my thirties (and beyond) is to discover who God made me to be and how to love that person as she is. Not as she will be, but with all of her faults and scars. I refuse to hide in the shadows anymore. I’m not going to let fear stop me from living the life God has blessed me with.

My kids are going to love this because it means I’ll be more willing to say yes. I won’t be afraid to go to the park and be judged by someone thinner than I am. Let them judge, I’m going to play with my kids. I’m going to be less serious, but also figure out what I enjoy.

I’m going to figure out what my hobbies are. I love to write so I’m writing again. My blog is going to take a new format...the biggest is that it is going to be written again lol. But it is no longer about weight loss. This blog is about me, being me. 

I also want to try my hand at photography. I love pictures. I take more than I should every day. But I’m ready for those pictures to be more than cell phone portraits. I’ve had a DSLR for 6 years, and I’m ready to learn how to use it. 

I also love to travel. My husband and I both love road trips and our kids have been on more cross country trips than many adults. We love to set out in the car not sure exactly of where we are going, and just go. Our kids have been able to learn about some of the oldest cities in our country on these trips. They have seen wildlife and learned about geothermal activity in Yellowstone. Our best schooling moments are on these trips.  

So join me, or don’t, as I learn about this person God has made. He made me for this life and I want to live every day to His fullest. No more waiting. On my mark, get set, GO! 

Senior Slump and Milestones

Okay, I’m officially a senior this year, and the school work is as to be expected, overwhelming. The abundance of assignments is why I have not been posting, but it has not kept me from working out! I was on the elliptical every week-day last week and it was great. I have finished the 30 minute running program (again), but this time I have “hills” to run over. The last runs (29 or 30 minutes running and 10 minutes walking) I have gone 3.23 and 3.25 miles according to the elliptical. It felt great!

I have decided I will continue to run daily during the week, giving myself the weekend off to rest and play. I will do the hour program on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and then 30 minute runs on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I am SO excited about it. And, for the first time in my life I will be getting the recommended minimum amount of daily activity…actually, honestly I’ll be getting more, because it’s pretty intense activity. Plus, I am still doing my ab work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

On to other news…I reached an exciting milestone this week. No, it is not necessarily a weight milestone (though I’m only about 5 pounds away from 70 pounds lost), but it’s still very exciting. I am currently sitting in my chair in my favorite pair of pre-pregnancy jeans!!! They were my favorite jeans pre-pregnancy, not just now, and I am SOOO excited to be back in them.

Almost all of the clothes I wore when I got pregnant fit now, the only things that don’t are a few shirts, and they may not fit until I’m much smaller than I was due to differences in my body caused by having a baby. I won’t complain about those body parts being bigger though, if you know what I mean! I probably shouldn’t have said that, but it’s true!

It is very possible to hope to be at 70 pounds lost in two weeks. And I have a special reason to hope that. I will be venturing on a weekend trip with my hubby to a special football game that weekend. If I am at that goal I will be where I was 2 years ago at the same game! I am so excited to see the results. I feel so blessed that God is allowing the weight to come off.

 I still don’t love working out, but I can tolerate it and I’m excited to do it because of the differences it is making in my stamina. I love the way my lungs feel after a good run, and I’m beginning to really love the sweat a good run brings about. It just amazes me at how God made our bodies, to keep itself cool, to work to keep itself healthy, and even to repair damage we have done to it…at least this damage anyway.

The whole process reminds me of how blessed I am to have second chances. I’m so grateful that God not only is giving me a second chance with my body, but that He gives us second chances in our lives. I am so grateful for His redemption through sin. It amazes me that He suffered as He did, both as the Son on the cross, and as the Father turning away from His Son, just so He can have a relationship with us. I’m so blessed that He would allow me to come to Him freely, and about anything. It is just so humbling to realize that He is willing to listen to me thank Him for weight loss and activity, as well as to listen as I request He help me continue to lose weight.

Maybe there is too much to say for this to be a blog post. So sorry it was so long, but I hope you are celebrating the milestones with my anyway. And, if you do not know the second chances that God has given that I am so thankful for, send me a message and I’ll tell you a little more about. Or head to any bible preaching church (doesn’t matter denomination or church name, just that they preach truth from the bible) and someone there can tell you about it as well.

I'm back!!

Yes, I did fall off the face of the earth for a few weeks. School has started again, and my little Aria is quite mobile now, so I have had trouble getting to the computer. And, to tell the truth I had a bad week when it came to weight loss. I think it was beneficial though. I gained two pounds the week of the 24^th, but I’ve been on a losing streak since then. I am officially down OVER 60 pounds now!!! I'm down 62 pounds actually!!!

The bad week led to a new resolve. I have worked very hard to lose weight again, and am back on track. That week reminded me of why I am doing this, for health. I want to be a healthy woman, and mom. I want to be at a healthy weight during my next pregnancy. And, lately I’ve realized how ready I am for that next baby. Getting to my goal weight is all that stands in my way.

Working out has become fun again. I look forward to doing my crunches and to hopping on the elliptical. I have gone back a few weeks in my 5K running program, and have added resistance to the elliptical. It’s SO much harder running through the false hills the elliptical creates, than running without resistance. I just listen to my music and press forward. I have even started smiling while I “run” again.

Anyway, I don’t know what I should say. This blog post is really horrible, but I wanted to thank you all for following so far, and to reassure you that I’m not quitting, but that I’m trucking right along. I will be at that goal by graduation. I’ll try not to stay away from the computer so long. Stick with me and celebrate with me as I continue to encounter these milestones in weight loss.

Lessons From an Infant

This morning I came to a heart wrenching conclusion. My husband and I have spent a lot of time stressing about work. As we begin to take steps on a path that we are certain God placed us on, we got focused on the numbers. I was reading a book by a friend this morning, and through it realized just how far away I was from God. I couldn't believe it! Just two weeks ago I was wrapped up in Him, but today I could see he was about a mile away.

How could this happen? We have been trying so hard, and working so diligently on the plans He placed in our hearts. Oh...I guess that's how it happened. We got caught up in the plans and goals that we forgot to focus on the planner!

Later in the morning Aria demonstrated how easy that was. Aria was following me from room to room. She had followed me through the dining room, into a hallway, then back through the dining room into the kitchen, and finally back through the dining room to the living room. I could tell she was getting tired from the chase so I sat down in the living room and cheered her on, so she could see how far she had left to go.

At my cheering her fatigue seemed to disappear and she smiled with determination as she began to crawl faster. She got about three crawls away from me, and she spotted her toy beside her. She stopped, distracted by the immediate fun, turned and grabbed the toy.

At seeing this I realized it was exactly what I had done. I started after God, following Him in my health and our family's future, but I got tired while chasing after Him. I got distracted by immediate satisfaction, money and food/laziness...maybe not laziness exactly, but at least using exercise time to take care of other things.

So today I cast aside the temporary fun and focus on the only giver of true joy! I am fixing my eyes on him and beginning to walk His direction.