I think I would fit in with the Ancient Israelites pretty well. They start out strong, believing God will help, and then quickly doubt and want to turn back. They switch from worshipping to complaining all too fast. They try to make their own way, even though they have seen God repeatedly provide in miraculous ways. Yup, sounds a lot like me.
When we moved to the small town we lived in we were certain it was God’s will. He had shown us what He wanted, He had made a way when there should have been no possible way. Everything pointed to His mighty hand. And then we saw our giants. We faced the first of them with bravery and gusto, truly believing God would prevail, and He did. But as the giants continued to attack we slowly started to complain, and then doubt.
God had started answering some of our prayers with a “no”. We had endured pain and loss, and weren’t seeing the answers we wanted to our prayers. And yet we didn’t consider what God may have been protecting us from. He kept providing in miraculous ways, but the miraculous began to feel mundane.
See what I mean about fitting in with the Israelites? They see God perform miracle after miracle, but quickly the miracle of manna wasn’t good enough; they wanted meat. God knew the meat would make them sick, but He gave it to them anyway. And they died. They died from their cravings. They died because they didn’t trust God to provide.
And then eventually it comes time to enter the promised land. They taste and see that it is good, but they see giants. They should immediately be like Caleb and remember God’s victories, but it is much easier to see the enemies that lie in every direction. They should remember the plagues that devastated Pharaoh; they should remember the sea that He parted and the water that came from a rock. But they only see their giants.
I wonder if they had lived on His provision for so long that they were tired of surviving by it. I wonder if merely surviving wasn’t good enough. But it had been going on for so long that when they are shown the goodness they are about to come into, they doubted. Maybe they thought of all their past mistakes, the golden calf, the complaining, the doubt, and they started to feel unworthy. Perhaps they didn’t believe God would still give them this wonderful land, not now that He has seen how ungrateful and distrusting they are.
I know I often find myself in that place. When faced with the possibility of blessing I expect the worst possible outcome. And I prepare myself for it. I get disheartened right away and expect the next disappointment in my life. There may be blessing right around the corner, but I don’t prepare for the blessing. I used to, but after so many disappointments, I prepare for another famine. I prepare for another stay in the wilderness. It isn’t that I don’t think God can answer my prayers, it is that I have started to think he won’t.
I guess it’s decided then: I’m no different from those unbelieving, ungrateful Israelites that wandered the wilderness. I may be worse, because I am equipped with so much more than they were. I have the stories of all the great heroes who came after them. I have the Messiah who was yet to come. I have the Holy Spirit within me. And yet I still doubt and grumble.
In humility I confess this to an unknown audience, and of course to God, because I don’t believe I’m alone. We see it too many times throughout the Bible. Even Peter stepped out of the boat in faith, only to sink moments later. So while I may not start preparing for abundance, I am going to look at my manna a little differently today. Those miraculous gifts of the Spirit of peace, and joy, and especially patience that can only have come from the Lord. Those little bits of manna that come from the Lord, maybe they aren’t so mundane after all.
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