Attitudes in the Wilderness

   I think I would fit in with the Ancient Israelites pretty well. They start out strong, believing God will help, and then quickly doubt and want to turn back. They switch from worshipping to complaining all too fast. They try to make their own way, even though they have seen God repeatedly provide in miraculous ways. Yup, sounds a lot like me. 

    When we moved to the small town we lived in we were certain it was God’s will. He had shown us what He wanted, He had made a way when there should have been no possible way. Everything pointed to His mighty hand. And then we saw our giants. We faced the first of them with bravery and gusto, truly believing God would prevail, and He did. But as the giants continued to attack we slowly started to complain, and then doubt.

    God had started answering some of our prayers with a “no”. We had endured pain and loss, and weren’t seeing the answers we wanted to our prayers. And yet we didn’t consider what God may have been protecting us from. He kept providing in miraculous ways, but the miraculous began to feel mundane.    

     See what I mean about fitting in with the Israelites? They see God perform miracle after miracle, but quickly the miracle of manna wasn’t good enough; they wanted meat. God knew the meat would make them sick, but He gave it to them anyway. And they died. They died from their cravings. They died because they didn’t trust God to provide. 

And then eventually it comes time to enter the promised land. They taste and see that it is good, but they see giants. They should immediately be like Caleb and remember God’s victories, but it is much easier to see the enemies that lie in every direction. They should remember the plagues that devastated Pharaoh; they should remember the sea that He parted and the water that came from a rock. But they only see their giants. 

    

    I wonder if they had lived on His provision for so long that they were tired of surviving by it. I wonder if merely surviving wasn’t good enough. But it had been going on for so long that when they are shown the goodness they are about to come into, they doubted. Maybe they thought of all their past mistakes, the golden calf, the complaining, the doubt, and they started to feel unworthy. Perhaps they didn’t believe God would still give them this wonderful land, not now that He has seen how ungrateful and distrusting they are. 

    

I know I often find myself in that place. When faced with the possibility of blessing I expect the worst possible outcome. And I prepare myself for it. I get disheartened right away and expect the next disappointment in my life. There may be blessing right around the corner, but I don’t prepare for the blessing. I used to, but after so many disappointments, I prepare for another famine. I prepare for another stay in the wilderness. It isn’t that I don’t think God can answer my prayers, it is that I have started to think he won’t. 

    I guess it’s decided then: I’m no different from those unbelieving, ungrateful Israelites that wandered the wilderness. I may be worse, because I am equipped with so much more than they were. I have the stories of all the great heroes who came after them. I have the Messiah who was yet to come. I have the Holy Spirit within me. And yet I still doubt and grumble. 

In humility I confess this to an unknown audience, and of course to God, because I don’t believe I’m alone. We see it too many times throughout the Bible. Even Peter stepped out of the boat in faith, only to sink moments later. So while I may not start preparing for abundance, I am going to look at my manna a little differently today. Those miraculous gifts of the Spirit of peace, and joy, and especially patience that can only have come from the Lord. Those little bits of manna that come from the Lord, maybe they aren’t so mundane after all. 

Slow Down

  I’m in a hurry. What’s new? It seems like I’ve been in a hurry for as long as I can remember. When I was tiny I was in a hurry to start school; it didn’t take long before I was in a hurry for school to end, only to be in a hurry for the new school year to begin again. Then I was in a hurry to turn thirteen, when I would finally be a teenager. Then in a hurry to be 16 and drive, then 18 and graduate, then to start college, then to get married, then to have babies…it’s an endlesss cycle of always rushing toward whatever is next.

Do you know who is not in a hurry? God. At the precipice of the new year I sat out to read the Bible chronilogically.  I’m sure every chronological plan starts with Genesis 1:1, “In the beginning.” One of the few things I try not to hurry through is my Bible time. I want to sit and marinate in those moments with the Lord, though I admittedly there are days when I tend to  hurry through that as well. 

As I read through the story of creation it struck me differently. God is so powerful! He is so incredibly creative. He is so mighty. He could have easily snapped his fingers and created it all at once, but He didn’t. He was patient. He created one thing at a time, and then paused to reflect and observed its goodness. After creating it all he took another day to rest. He didn’t rest because He needed to, He rested to set an example for us. 

How often do I stop in the moments and observe? Not often enough. I won’t lie and say I never do. There are plenty of times in the moments of life when I just want to freeze the moment. When I recognize just how blessed I am, I will stop and observe. When my kids are all getting along and laughing together, I am filled with gratitude for them. There are times on vacation when my husband has been with us the entire time, and I want those moments of happiness to live on forever, then I stop and observe. I want to remember every aspect of every detail of those times. 

But God’s patience goes far beyond observing the good He has just created. The observation of the good is quickly followed by the observation of the fall. Evil entering the world and God’s immediate promise of a coming Savior. Yet he was still not in a rush. He patiently waited for thousands of years to send His Son. And in those moments of waiting He allowed people to know Him. He allowed history to be unfolded so that generations to come may know more about who He is, and that we can put our trust in Him.

His patience is so incredible. Him could have ended His waiting at any moment, and yet He never rushes. He knows all the good that will happen, yet He is not in a hurry for His kingdom to be complete. He waits. He allows all the things that have happened and those that have yet to happen, until His plan reaches completion. What seems like an eternity to us, is worth the wait for Him. Peter says that the “Lord’s patience means salvation” (Peter 3:15). If the creator of the universe can patiently await the perfection of His kingdom, why am I in such a rush? Maybe it’s time for me to slow down and observe more, I can’t make time go faster anyway.

The Journey I’m On

     I have felt the itch for a while to start writing again. Not much has changed in the past 5 years. I was successful in my health journey, losing over 100 pounds. But I have realized that this health journey is a trip that doesn’t have an end point. Actually, none of life does, and I guess that’s why I’m here. 

    I’m so incredibly blessed that I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for so long. My four kids are amazing, and I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. Unfortunately being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom in a small town can allow this introvert to be WAY more introverted than I should be. But, I want to share my life, and Jesus, with others. And the easiest way to do that may be through writing. 

    Before you continue, let me warn you that this blog will be about Jesus. I mean, I have no clue what it will actually be about, but Jesus will be the ongoing theme. He has to be. He has taken a life that was hopeless, and made it a life full of hope. He has changed my life completely, and made it so much better than any life I could have imagined in my adolescence. I will forever be thankful for that. But I don’t share out of a sense of duty to Him. I share because I would be the most selfish person on earth if I didn’t tell others of the peace and joy that only He could bring. 

    My life is not perfect. It is SOOO far from it. I am not perfect. I am SOOOO far from it. But through it all Jesus is there and He is redeeming my every mistake. He is leading me on this journey that has no end. And I would love to share my journey with you if you want to tag along.